Alllllll I can fucking smell in here is BO. It’s giving me a headache and a damn anxiety attack. I don’t like feeling this way. It’s difficult to just tuck it all away. I find myself just wanting complete honesty. 

When protection isn’t used…. it makes me sick to my stomach. It’s a blatant FUCK YOU in my direction. I suppose it also is when they continue to do what they’re doing. I just don’t know what to do.

A huge part of me wants to just stay in Lincoln because I don’t trust myself to want to always hang out with my friends instead of getting my homework and shit done. 

I wish that I could stuff these feelings away. Or that they would diminish in general. I don’t know how. I’ve always been really good at just turning emotions off. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I am being kept on a hook, a back burner. Every other day it changes and I can’t help but feel like I’m drowning. That I’m just swimming and swimming and getting nowhere. Sucked right back in like none of this is happening. 

I feel hollow bodied. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. And the idea of being here, doing all of this completely alone, isn’t as scary as it was a few days ago. No one understands what I want or am trying to do. MOVE ON. Get bigger, brighter, more self sufficient. 

But, I’m begging you to tell me, what happens when it all boils down. Crumbles in their hands. What do I do then? Do I turn my back on two people I still care about? Or do I just walk away and wash the mass amounts of blood off my hands? I don’t this “in the meantime” mindset that has taken over my life. And his. 

I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Before depression rotted me inside and out and I became a monster. Before I turned him into one towards me. 

When I’m standing here. Looking up at the stars, begging for an explanation, I only feel demolition. The thought always crosses my mind, maybe I should strip myself bare and start all over again.